I have genuinely loved God the best I knew how for 14 years.

Believed the Bible. Believed in Him.

Loved what I read in the Gospels about the way that He lived.....serving, being humble, full of truth, miracles, signs and wonders, entire dependence on what He saw his Father doing.

Loved, loved loved him and all that I knew of Him.

So much that I went out to live my life for Him.

I felt such a spark of PURPOSE rise up in me one day. I drove a van over the security grates of a subsidized housing project. It was like I was looking around for an answer. “What's happening to me?! What is THIS inside of me?” I was ruined. Me and a rag tag gang just kept going back. Loving on kiddos, popsicles, games and short times of teaching. Love, that was the name of our game. It grew like wild fire. Of course. There were soooo many hungry to be called by name, given attention and just loved on. No prob!

We went through many years with these kiddos. I look back now and I'm like, “HOW?! Did we do that? All 3 of my kids were under 10 and we just kept going back and adding kiddos. Bringing them into the fam and loving the snot out of them.

But guess what? Over the years, I honestly began to fade. Gotta keep it real right? I began to crumble. Because no matter how much 'good' we were doing, and even though this is such a part of what I was MADE to do....I was losing my TIME WITH HIM. Having my spirit FILLED by HIM. My schedule got BANANAS. I CAN'T even explain. It was non stop. The needs were so overwhelming. I was so unorganized. I couldnt' seem to figure out how to connect the riches of south Tulsa with the needs of north Tulsa and the frustration in my heart over this overwhelmeed me. Of course, without my time with HIM, being filled up, it all became very out of 'me'...my humanness. Then my daddy unexpectedly passed away at a very young age and I had to turn away. Not from the kids we were the closest to, but from the overall mission and hopes of MANY. It discouraged me more than I can explain.

Over the past 5 years since dad passed, I have been in many peaks and valleys. I've sensed His presence. I've sensed him calling me back. But for a multitude of reasons I was allowing many things to keep me numb without even realizing the price.

Awhile back, I was in worship and I just remember crying out to him.

“I'm soooooo sick of this. I WANT YOU. I want my life to BE FOR YOU.

I JUST HATE AND SUCK AT RULES.

And I can't keep up with RULES AND BEHAVIOR AND BLAH BLAH BLAH.

AND SERIOUSLY IF YOU DONT HELP ME DO ALL THIS BETTER I'M SCARED ALL MY LIFE I'M JUST GONNA FEEL LIKE, 'SORRY GOD, COULDNT HELP YA OUT MORE....I HAD TOO MANY ISSUES WITH MY BEHAVIOR. CAN YOU HELP ME HERE????”

For real. Theres tons of background story there, as if u didn't guess, but basically I was trying tryinG trying to surrender to Him from a HEAD PLACE.

WORTH REPEATING.

I WAS TRYING TO SURRENDER TO GOD FROM A HEAD PLACE.

And

it JUST wasn't working.

So I prayed that day and many after. “Can't do this. I've found myself stuck in a bunch of crap again and I can't find my way out. If this junk is what keeps me from getting to sense you, I'm screwed. Becasuse I can't get myself out and i'm trying!!!!”

2 more weeks of just doing so, so with everything. Struggled with my stuff more, cried out to God more. Grew more frustrated, more impatient with everyone around me, was basically just a lovely peach of a chick to be around. Ya know, wears the shirt that proves she's in the 'Jesus Club' but where's the fruit??

Yea. Not winning.

________________________________________________________________________________

(Shared most of this in a FB post so if you read it, you can read again or skip to next lined section :)

2 weeks ago I got a text. It was one that many of us had prayed and prayed we would never get.

It came.

My friend battling severe depression and mental illness had commited suicide.

I texted back

“Oh my God!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!”

I rushed to her apartment and gathered friends in my arms. We just sat there numb. Occasionally God would give one of us a word to encourage each other, but mostly we just sat there in the parking lot next to her car and cried and prayed silently in our hearts to God. We gathered after they had taken her body and declared that the enemy may have one the temporary battle, but he did NOT win the eternal battle. Our friend we were certain was WITH the Lord. Oh how she loved him. It's ok if you can't understand that. So much I don't understand either, but I can honestly tell you my friend did not WANT to die....she wanted her constant pain to stop. That doesn't make it right, but it is something that I know to be true of her.

I had tried to be brave for 2 days. Doing life, keeping up with my schedule and falling apart in the closet when time allowed. It so wasn't working. I was wounding so many precious people that I adore simply because I was aching inside.

I fled town. Like literally. I left a lunch meeting and just turned my car towards the lakehouse rather than home. No bag, no food, no kid coverage....which THANK YOU MOMMA AND BALDY...of course was covered.

48 hours. No time really at all in the span of how quickly life passes in our regular days.

But, when you decide to just quit TALKING to humans and entirely focus on God's voice.

48 hours, I have learned is like a boot camp that we all so need.

I'm writing about many of the ways that He met me, but the finale is the one that I hope to share now.

During those 48 hours, I ping ponged between hard labor outdoors and laying prostrate before God. I honestly can't even tell you how many times I switched between the two, but it was perfect. I found myself literally chopping, loading and tractoring off 4 trees all while sobbing, screaming, throwing, and snotting in the grass through my tear stained face covered in a layer of dirt. And then the next minute, i was laying face flat under a cool fan. Silenced and still before the Lord.

Then mowing acres, fixing belts and air conditioners. And then prostrate again.

This. Repeated itself over and over and over.

I honestly can't explain how gracious He was to give me this exact opportunity.

It was a perfect combination.

The last night I had picked up after myself, turned out the lights and was headed to bed. Oh so ready to see my fam again in the morn. I was in the master bathroom brushing my teeth when I glanced in the mirror and saw the grand bathtub behind me that my daddy had built. Huge, amazing stone work surrounding, and even jacuzzi jets.

For whatever reasons, many that need reexamining, I'm not one to ever 'spoil' myself. It caught my eye. Maybe I should? (Our only bathtub at home is OOOOLLLLDDD, Marty's, and totally needs resurfacing. Not super inviting ya know?) So it's been years since I just literally soaked.

The silly but real thoughts that were whispering were, "Oh just crash and be strong and refreshed for your kiddos in the morn that have sacrificed all week for you."

But I just kept looking. My head tilted. "I think I will?"

(I know this sounds silly to some daily bathers, but just get that this luxury doesn't exist in my current abode?) I turned the knobs and felt a little like, "OH YEAH....."

Went back to brushing teeth and staring in mirror. And THEN I spotted them. The candles that my beautiful niece had left around the tub on the 4th. Hmmmmm? Yes?

Why, o why?, would I feel I don't deserve a moment like this?

Beats me, but I'm working on it ;) Maybe cause my life is always too fast? Working on that too.

I said. "Umm . Yes."

I lit the candles and turned the lights out.

I can't describe what happened to my SPIRIT in this moment. It was like the Lord was applauding me for work well done. Does that make sense? I'm asking myself.

The best words I can give it is this, "You're FACING it little one."

I've come to think America doesn't do this process very well. So many other cultures face it straight in the face and just wail. Call it for what it is. PAIN. And then ALLOW a time to grieve.

The Lord whispered to me, "Well done little one. I have something else for you."

I dropped the bubbles in. Heck yeah.

And continued my silence.

Tears began to trickle.

Dang.

I thought I was maybe finished with tears for a bit?

Crying has been an issue my whole life.

I DONT.

Obviously, he is healing this.

And then they poured.

Heaving.

Sobbing.

More aching.

Wishing for a very different ending and simoultaneously accepting what was.

Forgiving my friend.

Forgiving myself.

Just so many

tears. It was then.

That He gave me a gift that for the rest of my life

words will not do justice.

I suddenly had a revelation that my bath was LITERALLY FILLED with tears.

And in that moment, He whispered to me.

I see you.

I see your hurt.

I see your heart.

I am here.

You are lovely.

It was an hour that transformed my entire being and understanding of His nearness.

An hour that no human will ever be able to steal.

The next night the Lord gave me a dream. In the dream, He showed me that my friend's life was going to inspire me to be brave in new areas where I felt defeated. When I woke up I had the recollection that I was kinda like Braveheart, ha, and shouting.......'FOR RENA!!!!'

I just laid there and recollected details. I whispered to God. That would really be great Lord. I want to trust where ever you Lead me and I havent been.

At house church someone prayed the verse, unless a seed falls to the ground and dies new life cannot come forth.

Of course, God never wanted or planned this. NEVER. This was not the plan. But my God always USES choices to bring life. That I wholeheartedly believe. So I whispered to him again, “Yes, I want that Lord. I want to conquer fears that have held me down for far too long. Help me?”

__________________________________________________________________________________

A few weeks ago I was blessed that someone bought a ticket for me to a conference. There was one speaker that I've ALWAYS wanted to hear in person, but guys.....it was a

c.o.n.f.e.r.e.n.c.e

Why say it like that? Because that's how I F.E.L.T. Blah. I'm not a big conference/ladies retreat chick for a variety of issues, ha.....mostly probably entirely mine....but just being real.

But I went.

Day one....First thing....worship.

I was like, Ok. I can do that. I found a private spot. Like I said, I have issues. No need to point them out? Ha! In worship I struggle being crowded in pews. Probably my ADD and own performance issues. No. Definitely those. But I found a spot.

So I'm there and you guys. I feel this woo'ing. It wasn't my body. It was entirely in my heart. Like it was throbbing. I just kept worshipping going, “Ok um? This is good? Yes? This is You? Yes?' And I just kept worshipping.

I started moving side to side. I always kinda bop around a little. Not too much, but just enough to jam to the rhythm and occasionally wave an arm ;). K- I'm crying typing this. It was like I was dancing with Him. For reals. K? It was great. I was so enjoying this. I've had this before, but not enough. Next thing I knew over an hour had passed and we were being called back to our seats. Whoosh. Ok? Yes.

c.o.n.f.e.r.e.n.c.e? conference

I sat down and got my journal out. The man that was speaking did an excellent job. Really it was a good word. Thoroughly enjoyed it. Then afterwards they said they were going to pray for people. They asked for the 'evangelists' to come forward for prayer. Everything in me just JUMPED. It was kinda like my brain was chasing my legs? 'Ahhh! Where we going?' I rushed up there and cracked up b/c without even realizing it, I had stood in front of a lady that Ive always had the feeling doesn't care for me much. No, maybe at all? I gave up struggling for this relationship a year ago. You know when you can just tell you bug someone? Ok so that. In my heart I was kinda like, “Dang...hope I dont' get tripped up with this issue' Before she could even begin praying the speaker goes, “Anyone else? And I don't mean, 'you WANT to be an evangelist' I mean it's been identified and called out in you.”

*Well Grand. JACKED THAT UP. Whatever I'm HERE and READY.

She was gracious and began to pray. I think the attitude I always sense with her is like, “Julz is a mess? She's been struggling this path so long.” Maybe I feel I've exhausted her grace? Whatev.

So she starts praying. She keeps praying over and over

“Fire. Fire. Fire. Fire.”

Honestly it was perfect. Not a lot of human words to get tripped up on and every time she said it I felt sincerely felt power coming upon me. Really.

Then a man came up to pray for me next and I can honestly say I have NO CLUE what he said! Ha! I can only remember how my spirit was responding to his prayer. I do know that he was talking, but I didn't hear it. Weird? Yeah, I so know. But it's my truth. :) This is what my SPIRIT was saying....”He is safe. He is a safe man. There are safe men. There are good men. You can trust. Relax. Relax. Receive.” Yeah, I'd love to know if anything he was saying said anything about that, or my past issues, but still to this day all I can recollect is that THAT is EXACTLY what my spirit was saying inside of me. It was so good and led me to truly relax. I was soooo relaxed. I felt so safe. I could receive.

The next person came up to pray for me (using no verbal words..just touching me and praying)and it was like a rush of water just poured....no GUSHED on my head....like a massive bucket of LOVE being dumped on my head!....(way better than ice bucket challenge ;) This water INSTANTLY BROUGHT REFRESHMENT. IT WAS LIKE OOOOOOOOH YEAHHHHHHH!

My spirit said, “I'M ALIVE! THANK GOD I'M ALIVE AGAIN! I WANT TO LIVE FULLY ALIVE!!!!”

You guys. Tears were so pouring out of me and I was just laughing. I kept saying, I THINK outloud? “I almost didn't make it! I almost didn't make it! I was so, so tired! Thank you! I almost didn't make it!” That may seem crazy talk, but honestly I was sick and tired of feeling so dry and exhausted. I needed MORE.

Prayer time ends. Couldnt go to second session. Came back for that night and it was good, but definitely didn't match what had happened during worship and prayer. It was still great and built me up though.

Then night 2- I was going to get to hear this lady that I have so much respect for. Heidi Baker. Her story and life -just yes. SO good. I'll include a couple links if you want to know more about her. If you can get your hands on the movie of her life....just DO. It's called Compelled by Love. Cuhrazy. Good. Entirely the HOPE of this post!!!

But, this is what happened that night. I wasn't 'star struck'.   I was STRUCK by this woman's humility and LOOOOOOOOOVE for being intimate with Him. There was a super whackadoodle offering that went on right before she had taken the stage and it about did me in. Being real.... I'm not big on giving under compulsion and I was kinda like, ugh, but chose to not throw baby out with bathwater. Just hang julz! She took the stage and just stood there for a minute. She was like, “Ok, lets just pray.” She drops to her knees. Not even praying just worshipping Him. For sooooo long. My spirit understood that she was doing all she knew to do to get all focus and attention off of weird offering moment (her organization didn't do the offering) and all attention of off HER as a 'star' and entirely back where it belonged ON THE LOVER OF HER SOUL. One that she obviously has great adoration for and knows intimately.

We all joined her and He was sooooo lifted back to his RIGHT place. She began to share and told story after story of his faithfulness. Stories that not a soul could find any explanation for other than GOD! I was like a kid on the edge of my seat. YES!!!! At every twist and turn she pointed to HIM. How ridiculous HER skills were for pulling anything off. Over and over she said, they were just 'small people in the dirt' (In Africa) and God continues to do one miracle after another through her and her gang. I was so encouraged....to the point of wanting to jump up shouting, YES THIS IS THE FULLY ALIVE LIFE I DESIRE! Not, HER story, but THIS THREAD of Jesus and I intimately knowing each other on such a level that He is free to lead me, giving me direction and MOVING in ways that ONLY He can. Pulling off amazing blessings and miracles to all I encounter that I COULD NEVER orchestrate.

I went forward for prayer. No, I ran. At this point, I wish I could share all that He downloaded to me....but honestly, it's still so raw and personal I'm gonna keep it to myself for processing for a bit.

How did I leave?

With my prayer from weeks earlier, MORE THAN ANSWERED.

As usual, in ways that I've learned I don't even know HOW to articulate He satisfies what I'm needing.

And then whoosh, HE FLOODS, FILLS AND OVERFLOWS.

Just Ahhhhhh.

THIS. THIS. THIS.

I believe with my entire heart is what He is doing all over the earth.

2 things that I can see clearly.....

1- CALLING THE CHURCH TO WAKE UP! Not in a judgmental way at all. NO! But in a RETURN TO YOUR FIRST LOVE way. Where we gaze so deeply at our Savior, that somehow holds the universe and meets ME on my pillow and throughout each day. Where we are filled up in ways that NO human could or should be able to meet and satisfy.

2- Through love and grace wooing those 'sick and tired' of being 'sick and tired' to His heart. Answering their cries and prayers when they don't even know WHO they are praying to. Oh how I hope they are divinely met by a church that sees their HEARTS and SOULS. I have NO DOUBT in my mind that He is calling up THIS wounded army to bring a revolution TO the church. Enough hierarchy, enough self righteousness, enough country club where clothes and behaviors have to MATCH or sorry you're not welcome! NO!

YES Lord, divinely pair the wounded with wounded healers that know YOU're NAME!

Not sure where you fit in there. Maybe neither, that's cool. But oh how thankful I am to be OVERFLOWING with His PRESENCE!!! HE is the MOST compassionate, kind, loving one you will ever meet. Intimacy with Him is the KEY to not burning out while 'trying' to 'do good'.

A romance with Him will sweep you off of your feet in each and every way.

Of that, I can PROMISE you.

Xoxoxo

julz

Total loss?

Gut punch.

WTH?

SUDDENLY
You're caught off guard.
Scrambling for sure footing.

You know.
When something from
out of nowhere?
just NAILS you.

I'm not sure exactly when it happened, but in the past year
midtown Tulsa was hit by a 'microburst' windstorm.
Trees everywhere were thrust UP and OUT in a matter of 10 minutes.

When my fam could semi-safely navigate the roads we got out and drove slowly.

*gasps*

I was snapping shots left and right because it was just so UNBELIEVABLE.
Oak trunks 4 ft+ in diameter were literally uprooted and laying flat.
The unbelievable was that...
This IS the beauty of living in midtown....our trees are beautifully mature and rooted.
But this day....even THESE symbols of STRENGTH were shaken.

One was down the street from me.

It didn't have the fortune of landing on grass.
No.  It landed on it's humble home of 50+ years.

It appeared to every human eye and gawker....devastation.
"Dang.  It's totaled.  Gonna be scraped.  Yet, another empty lot in our hood that doesn't attract new home builders."

But within the week, I saw something unique and interesting happen.

Tarps.

Yes, massive tarps seemed to be bungee corded ALL over this house.
Covering it's ENTIRETY...
to keep further damage OUT.

Looking back, I can see that it may have simply been to STOP FURTHER DAMAGE....
while  REGROUPING took place.

See...for the next few months, the house sat vacant.
But, tarps protected further damage.

And here's the good news.
and.
the reason for THIS  post.

YESTERDAY!!!!!!
almost a year later.

I drove by and noticed a crew installing the beautiful 'FINAL touches'.

You know, after MONTHS of crews working on inner and foundational issues,
it was finally time for-

new shutters and polished new windows.

I could so go on, as I have had the blessing of watching the daily process.

So, why did this grab my EYE and HEART yesterday?

Oh friends!  It's because it symbolizes YOU and ME!

How often does life throw us a blasted CURVE BALL?
One that completely catches us OFF GUARD?

Please, hear the gut of my heart now.

When my daddy suddenly passed in 2009....
it was as though a sudden microburst RIPPED through MY HEART and LIFE.

My daily temptation was to declare "total loss".
Here.  RIGHT here.
I can remember HOURS that accumulated....slumped in my red chair and flooded with tears.
The question...
 WHY? and WHAT NOW?

But God.
That phrase honestly used to tick me off in religious circles like no other.
But,  I'm finally seeing the beauty beyond human phrases
and more into the nature of MY GOD.

Of course.  He had other plans.
Plans to USE the devastiaton that He did NOT orchestrate.


Polished windows and new shutters to boot.
Even some foundational work that was long overdue.

Be encouraged my dear friend.
Wherever you are in the process of shock, grief, loss.

HIS business IS restoration.

And I'm so here to testify.
Grief is a brutal, challenging and necessary season.
It sucks.  Plain sucks.

But oh my gosh......it's fruit?
Somehow he strengthen us, if we allow Him to.
Last night I laid in bed rediscovering something that Im certain I will die rediscovering.

"I'm powerless. But, open to You.....something beautiful always takes place."

A restoration that I've found  EXCEEDS what was once
before.

It's ridiculously tough, but we are asked to let go of the questions (so so so hard), trust, and grow.

Hugs and prayers to you my friend.
It sure isn't easy.

But, I just had to share....
Because GENUINE HOPE does WONDERS for our spirit.
xo.

I'm confident of this.....HE will comfort others THROUGH you in the same way He has comforted you.

Never alone

Ever found yourself searching for words to intimately and accurately describe something?

Yet, over and over you come up short?  I mean.  Sure.  You could throw out some quick words, but THIS feeling.  It's just SO deep that u refuse to do IT injustice by casually throwing out the first thing that comes to mind?  

That's been me lately.  A longing for understanding.  It’s been so very close and yet the WORDS to DESCRIBE this GUTTERAL NEED seemed so distant simultaneously. 

I had no idea how God was planning to give me those words.

I should have known they would come through a relational experience.  (Slow like that ;)

Few weeks ago, we agreed to keep 2 kiddos that are in the foster care system.  We've kept them before and ADORE them so it was a no-brainer!  My bios began counting down the days.  Like ANNOYING counting down the days.   5 TIMES a day counting the days.  AS IF it’s changed when you haven’t gone to bed for Pete’s sake?!?!  I mean!

Finally.  The day came & EVERYONE loaded up in the truck and went to gather our babies!

1st day with the kiddos everything seemed to go like clock-work.  

"Oh Yeah.  We.  SO. Got. This."

Feeding tube.  No prob.  

Add 2 more to 4? Why not?!

Keep up with our hilarious schedule?  Got this. 

What’s a couple more carseats?  Right?!

Yeah.

And then IT happened. 

I imagine that other 'respite care" providers may understand this line of thinking?  (Fyi- 'Respite' =’s approved babysitters for the official foster care provider.) As respite care, you desperately want to keep the kiddos as stable/ 'sensed love and safety'/routine as possible.  But, THIS is OH so crazy tough for ME because... honestly??  I just wanna bring them into the already ridiculous 'family bed' that begins accumulating humans around 2 am every night, then feed them chocolate all dang day, and simultaneously smother them with attention and kisses that aren't realistic in the day to day healthy(schmelthy;) caregiver grind.

So.  The youngest's crib was set up on the opposite side of our bedroom.  

Close. 

But, not too close. 

Perfect.

Went to sleep with the same prideful (ugh) attitude….we so got this.

Enter God’s answer to give me ‘words’ to this feeling I hadn't been able to describe...

I was startled awake.

Gagging.  Choking. 

“Oh NO!  Too big a feed (feeding tube) too close to bedtime.  I think?”

I grabbed my glasses and stumbled over to the playpen. 

Pats.  Whispers.  Hoping and praying that was enough.

20 minutes later, which seems like 4 hours when you have been sleeping through the night for 5 years now.

Whew.

I crawled back in bed.

10 minutes later. 

Gag.  Choke.  Sobs.

“Oh baby.  I’m here little buddy.  You're ok.”

This pattern repeated for over an hour.

Finally, I shook Baldy awake.  “Trade sides with me babe.  It’s gonna be a long night.”

I drug the crib across the room right up next to my new side of the bed.

Littlest one was very unsure of what was going on, but finally settled again.

And that’s when IT happened.

The words.

The words and understanding to that feeling that I’ve been having so deeply lately.

Gag.  Choke.  Sobs.

Only this time

because the playpen was literally touching my side of the bed

 our eyes met as we both peeked over the edge. 

It startled us both. 

“Oh wow!  You’re RIGHT THERE!”, raced through both our brains I’m certain.

He even giggled.  And then looking at me sideways with his good eye, smiled FULL blown and said, “Hi!”

Muffled snort. 

“Well, hey there buddy”.

I patted.  I whisper sang. And he calmed.

Immediately.

I laid on my pillow overwhelmed with emotion and thought.

“That's it Lord! 

How often do I looooooong to just KNOW

that 

You ARE NEAR. 

Beyond what my mind knows….

to deeply SENSE YOUR PRESENCE?”

Not 5 minutes passed, and the sobs began again. 

Only this time...

I saw THE cutest, tiniest little hand stick up over the side of the playpen. 

I reached out and offered my hand. 

He grabbed hold.  For dear life, he grabbed hold. 

And we both went to sleep with those exhausted deep cleansing sighs. 

You know, the ones that happen when you really BELIEVE the storm has passed.

And more importantly,

you finally accept….

You are NOT alone.

Oh Jesus.  Thank You.

I’m certain that I will expire my days accepting this Truth about You over and over again on new levels.

Friends.  Whether we accept it or not.

WE are NOT alone.

Jesus.

Immanuel.

God WITH us.

Ramps

WW3.
I waved goodbye to the kiddos and Baldy this morn.
Slowly, very slowly I turned around and closed the door.
Just moments ago, we were all 6 piled in my bathroom spray painting HAIR and rolling laughing.
"Couldn't we just STAY there?!", I imagined as a hopeless happy emotion sanguine junkie?!

I took a deep, deep breath.
I think I even closed my eyes while I whispered, "Help."

See, my house looked like what is left after....
EVERYday Spirit Week projects,
9 practices (and the subsequent loading/1/2 unloading of gear!)
2 Literature Projects,
My painting job EVERYWHERE,
dishes from 2, yes 2 nights ago,
dust like you can't fathom,
and couches overrun with (thankfully CLEAN!) laundry.

I 'shoulda' rushed for a date with the Lord, but I try not to "should' myself much these days.
No.
This was a carpe'diem moment and I knew it.

Busted out my new Mumford & Sons cd.  (#TURN.UP.LOUD.)
Slipped on my tennies.
Cranked the hair in a bun (you'll come to notice this happens when I'm serious.)
and went after it.

I went to bed last night with one of those Matrix bubble wars going on in my head.
Ramps.  Ramps.  RAMPS.  They were surrounding me and trust me I will explain momentarily.
I was thinking deeply on this topic, reflecting on definitions, photos, examples, scriptures, etc while
BUSTING A SERIOUS MOVE.

Attacking rooms like a freaking madwoman.
Constantly coaching myself through my ADD tendencies.
You know,
"This goes in the other room." "Do NOT leave this room Julz!""But this goes in there too!"
"DO NOT LEAVE this room JULZ or you will be reading a book you find in that room too!"

On and on.

I was getting super dooper proud of myself as I watched the clutter bow to either the trash can or my hand.  "Yes!  BAM!  That TOO!  Oh Baldy is gonna LOOOOOOVE me tonight!"

When what do ya know.  I go to stick a can of root beer on the top shelf of the fridge.
I knew it wasn't a solid placement, but let's get real, I was moving LIGHTNIN' SPEED and nothing was gonna stop me.

Next thing ya know, all of my limbs are flailing.
Root beer was literally spraying not only my face, but EVERYthing within 10 feet.

Here goes, the title.

Ramps.

30 seconds crept up on me.
"DAD GUM IT JULZ!!!!  IF, BIG FAT IF,  you would have taken the time to DO THAT WELL this wouldn't have happened!  You're always in such a freaking hurry!!!! You cause more messes that you can ever manage.  IF the fridge were clean or organized you would have HAD a PLACE to put that!  Sheesh.  You're such a mess!!!! NOW you have a REAL mess.  You know in a year, you will STILL be finding splatters from THIS ONE, RIGHT?  And you know it will be JUST when the most snooty OCD person you know comes over."

Ok.  Laugh away.  But stop and think.
Does that happen to you?!?
Can you be feeling pretty peaceful, semi-on-top of things one minute and suddenly an unexpected situation NAILS ya?!
Maybe it's just me, but what happened next was a perfect example of RAMPS.

See.
3 1/2 years ago, my daddy passed away from this earth.
The first month was absolute and complete shock and survival.
But what happened next will forever change my perspective.

I settled deeeeeeeeeep into depression.
That is an entire entry of it's own, but RAMPS definitely are a FRUIT of that season.

It was a looooong dark year. (Probably closer to 2)
But one day the Lord laid on my heart this concept of RAMPS.

"Julz, you have a choice.  You can keep winding down this path or you can trust that I WILL do the hard work....if only you'll choose to jump on a new ramp once in awhile."

I began practicing what He was whispering to me.
This was how practical it was.

Julz, this is what you've been doing:
1.  Unexpected (or occasionally expected) situation happens.
     Folks, I'm talking someone didn't call when they said they would, I broke something, I forgot an    
       appointment, child had a melt-down, Baldy would give me a 'look'.
2.  Everyone, ESPECIALLY ME, reacts their typical way.
3.  You JUMP on a DOWNWARD spiraling RAMP and without an intervention it would be DAYS
       before you would even HEAR MY VOICE again....and let's face it, a mass of people were left
       wounded from your verbal destruction.

THIS was the strategy the Lord was now giving me:
1.  #*&* is GONNA happen.  Face it and don't be thrown off.
2.  MINIMIZE YOUR REACTION.  (Yeah, I still throw out a bomb or let a hurtful phrase slip
     occasionally) but MINIMIZE it.
3.  SEARCH with ALL YOUR MIGHT for the LEMONADE IN THIS LEMON!
4.  When you find it laugh your butt off (even when u aren't so much feeling it b/c laughter
     simply changes things!) and then.....
5.  CHOOSE to JUMP on the RAMP of positive thinking......BEFORE YOU ARE FEELING IT!
6.  Trust ME and LISTEN until your raging emotions begin to catch up.

So there you have it.
I'm a year into RAMP practice.
Fail every cotton picking day.  (Ask Baldy or one of my 4 ;)
But, I honestly wake up and go to bed KNOWING that with MY cooperation HE will DO what I cannot.

Oh and just to make you laugh.
After the root beer catastrophe, I decided to sit on the back deck and read for a minute (my FAV thing!)

I looked out over my backyard smiling and immediately another ramp opportunity presented itself.
Friends, it looked like SANFORD AND SONS!!!!
We host way too many gatherings and the kids are in charge of 'outdoor recovery' which also means, the job is always half @#@/way done.

I snapped this pic to give you yet another RAMP example.
THIS was gathered from MY backyard.

*This 'EYE SPY" is what I CHOSE to see and the RAMP I CHOOSE to jump on... semi left to right.
- 1st...the shoes our MParty came to us wearing.
-my fav striped gloves that can be used on phone!
-my daughters fascination with my thrill for mixmatched craziness socks
-'stray cat' food scoopers bc my kiddos heart for the lonely is even bigger than mine!
-evidence of old trampoline and blessing of new one!
-thin mints....need i say more?!  blessing no matter what!!!
-nasty cigar & lighter plate, evidence of an amazing men's meeting on back deck
-2 bags full of Poo =evidence of boys semi DOING chore.  I mean really boys?!  You did the job, how hard was it to hit the can with it?!  Whatev!
-forever duct tape weapons.....omgosh i love boys
-kitchen supplies that forever go MISSIng but = someone had FUN!
Yeah, and lots o trash from house church kiddos that obviously got lost and carried away with fun!

Pay attention to how many opportunities YOU have today to CHOOSE a positive/negative RAMP.

Have a funny one lately?!?!?!
Please, oh PLEASE make me laugh and feel semi normal?!

Own it

Tip toe.  Tip toe.  Tip toe.

I've never been one to tip toe.  Ask anyone who knows me.  No.  My norm is full force, fairly scattered and then an honest, innocent, "Oh my!  Maybe I shouldn't have said that?", quickly follows.

Today is a new day.  I'm owning who He made me to be.

Facts.
I can't sing.  I'm very unorganized.  I laugh like a HYENA.  I tend to talk way too much (no shocker ;).  I want to hug and touch more than I'm learning the rest of the world wants to.  I doodle on evOreething.  I paint.  Putting me with chips/salsa/margaritas/girlfriends ='s howling belly laughter and all sense of time is lost.  My children are true rockstars.  Baldy is my forever soulmate.  God saves me from myself 423 x's a day at the very least......and I love to write.

There I said it.
I really, really do.

Sometimes, when I'm driving, trying to go to sleep, or drying my hair my brain looks like a matrix.
Thoughts, words, paragraphs, ideas.....they are all in bubbles floating around and I'm CAPTIVATED by the idea of harnessing them and putting them in the most simple yet deep form.
Weird eh?  It gets weirder.
Ruh-roh.
Often, I will see something happen and rather than just observing, I will literally be seeing my fingers typing the words to what I am seeing.  Told u.  Weird-o-rama.

Yet, TODAY,  I am owning that this is not JUST because "I'm weird", but because He made me this way for a reason.

So.  God bless you.  Game on.
I will blast my music, put my hair in a tight bun (not sure why, but loose hair causes my creativity to freeze ha!),
and
I.  Will.  Write.

Before I begin blurting (I mean blogging.),  I want to share 2 things that I am so incredibly grateful for.  (This ended in a preposition, I realize, but I do this often by choice, ha!)

1.  I have spent MONTHS trying to figure out how to protect the lives and stories of MY FAMILY in efforts to keep them THEIRS TO SHARE.  I'm still not entirely sure how this will play out b/c let's face it....they are my best and almost only material ;), but that is MY DESIRE.  For now, they will have nicknames AND I will not be posting PICS of them.

2.  I adore reading a blogger named Rachel Held-Evans.  Every, and I mean EV-O-REE time I read her
disclaimer above the comments section, I howl and say, "YES AND AMEN SISTA!!!"

It goes like this,
"Comment Policy:  Please stay positive with your comments.  If your comment is rude, it gets deleted.  If it is critical, please make it constructive.  If you are constantly negative or a general ass, troll, or hater, you will get banned.  The definition of terms is left solely up to us."

Ummm.  Rachel, thank YOU.
See, I am an over the top mercy junkie.   So for the life of me, I couldn't come up with those words!  I read them, know her heart and said, "Yep, that's it."

I want you to consider one thing, not just when you read my blog, but others as well.
It's likely that we have each been on a long journey.  One that has led us to accept that it's worth inviting others into our messy, hilarious and occasionally inspirational living rooms.

One where we (maybe just me ;) found ourselves royally snotting up a bald man's shoulder saying, "Why would they say such a thing?!  That's not at all what I was trying to say or imply!"
And Baldy would reply one of 2 things over and over.
"They're an idiot."  (Yeah, he's type A, black and white....sorry if you're gray)
or....
"WHY oh WHY do you put yourself out there?!!?!"

That journey has been long, hard, full of THRILLS and TEARS as I open my inbox and connect with someone's heart in a way that life would never allow face-to-face.

Please, just KNOW.
I'm owning it.
My thoughts are NOT the Bible.
My thoughts are NOT SCIENTIFIC PROOF.
My thoughts are simply where I am now and I believe they have something to offer.

My goal is always to point to my Savior Jesus Christ, provide encouragement, and to provoke thought.

Enough disclaimer.
Tonight the children brainstorm their own nicknames.

Excited to harness the next brainstorm of bubbles and thoughts and share them with you as He leads.

xoxo
julz