Never alone

Ever found yourself searching for words to intimately and accurately describe something?

Yet, over and over you come up short?  I mean.  Sure.  You could throw out some quick words, but THIS feeling.  It's just SO deep that u refuse to do IT injustice by casually throwing out the first thing that comes to mind?  

That's been me lately.  A longing for understanding.  It’s been so very close and yet the WORDS to DESCRIBE this GUTTERAL NEED seemed so distant simultaneously. 

I had no idea how God was planning to give me those words.

I should have known they would come through a relational experience.  (Slow like that ;)

Few weeks ago, we agreed to keep 2 kiddos that are in the foster care system.  We've kept them before and ADORE them so it was a no-brainer!  My bios began counting down the days.  Like ANNOYING counting down the days.   5 TIMES a day counting the days.  AS IF it’s changed when you haven’t gone to bed for Pete’s sake?!?!  I mean!

Finally.  The day came & EVERYONE loaded up in the truck and went to gather our babies!

1st day with the kiddos everything seemed to go like clock-work.  

"Oh Yeah.  We.  SO. Got. This."

Feeding tube.  No prob.  

Add 2 more to 4? Why not?!

Keep up with our hilarious schedule?  Got this. 

What’s a couple more carseats?  Right?!

Yeah.

And then IT happened. 

I imagine that other 'respite care" providers may understand this line of thinking?  (Fyi- 'Respite' =’s approved babysitters for the official foster care provider.) As respite care, you desperately want to keep the kiddos as stable/ 'sensed love and safety'/routine as possible.  But, THIS is OH so crazy tough for ME because... honestly??  I just wanna bring them into the already ridiculous 'family bed' that begins accumulating humans around 2 am every night, then feed them chocolate all dang day, and simultaneously smother them with attention and kisses that aren't realistic in the day to day healthy(schmelthy;) caregiver grind.

So.  The youngest's crib was set up on the opposite side of our bedroom.  

Close. 

But, not too close. 

Perfect.

Went to sleep with the same prideful (ugh) attitude….we so got this.

Enter God’s answer to give me ‘words’ to this feeling I hadn't been able to describe...

I was startled awake.

Gagging.  Choking. 

“Oh NO!  Too big a feed (feeding tube) too close to bedtime.  I think?”

I grabbed my glasses and stumbled over to the playpen. 

Pats.  Whispers.  Hoping and praying that was enough.

20 minutes later, which seems like 4 hours when you have been sleeping through the night for 5 years now.

Whew.

I crawled back in bed.

10 minutes later. 

Gag.  Choke.  Sobs.

“Oh baby.  I’m here little buddy.  You're ok.”

This pattern repeated for over an hour.

Finally, I shook Baldy awake.  “Trade sides with me babe.  It’s gonna be a long night.”

I drug the crib across the room right up next to my new side of the bed.

Littlest one was very unsure of what was going on, but finally settled again.

And that’s when IT happened.

The words.

The words and understanding to that feeling that I’ve been having so deeply lately.

Gag.  Choke.  Sobs.

Only this time

because the playpen was literally touching my side of the bed

 our eyes met as we both peeked over the edge. 

It startled us both. 

“Oh wow!  You’re RIGHT THERE!”, raced through both our brains I’m certain.

He even giggled.  And then looking at me sideways with his good eye, smiled FULL blown and said, “Hi!”

Muffled snort. 

“Well, hey there buddy”.

I patted.  I whisper sang. And he calmed.

Immediately.

I laid on my pillow overwhelmed with emotion and thought.

“That's it Lord! 

How often do I looooooong to just KNOW

that 

You ARE NEAR. 

Beyond what my mind knows….

to deeply SENSE YOUR PRESENCE?”

Not 5 minutes passed, and the sobs began again. 

Only this time...

I saw THE cutest, tiniest little hand stick up over the side of the playpen. 

I reached out and offered my hand. 

He grabbed hold.  For dear life, he grabbed hold. 

And we both went to sleep with those exhausted deep cleansing sighs. 

You know, the ones that happen when you really BELIEVE the storm has passed.

And more importantly,

you finally accept….

You are NOT alone.

Oh Jesus.  Thank You.

I’m certain that I will expire my days accepting this Truth about You over and over again on new levels.

Friends.  Whether we accept it or not.

WE are NOT alone.

Jesus.

Immanuel.

God WITH us.

Ramps

WW3.
I waved goodbye to the kiddos and Baldy this morn.
Slowly, very slowly I turned around and closed the door.
Just moments ago, we were all 6 piled in my bathroom spray painting HAIR and rolling laughing.
"Couldn't we just STAY there?!", I imagined as a hopeless happy emotion sanguine junkie?!

I took a deep, deep breath.
I think I even closed my eyes while I whispered, "Help."

See, my house looked like what is left after....
EVERYday Spirit Week projects,
9 practices (and the subsequent loading/1/2 unloading of gear!)
2 Literature Projects,
My painting job EVERYWHERE,
dishes from 2, yes 2 nights ago,
dust like you can't fathom,
and couches overrun with (thankfully CLEAN!) laundry.

I 'shoulda' rushed for a date with the Lord, but I try not to "should' myself much these days.
No.
This was a carpe'diem moment and I knew it.

Busted out my new Mumford & Sons cd.  (#TURN.UP.LOUD.)
Slipped on my tennies.
Cranked the hair in a bun (you'll come to notice this happens when I'm serious.)
and went after it.

I went to bed last night with one of those Matrix bubble wars going on in my head.
Ramps.  Ramps.  RAMPS.  They were surrounding me and trust me I will explain momentarily.
I was thinking deeply on this topic, reflecting on definitions, photos, examples, scriptures, etc while
BUSTING A SERIOUS MOVE.

Attacking rooms like a freaking madwoman.
Constantly coaching myself through my ADD tendencies.
You know,
"This goes in the other room." "Do NOT leave this room Julz!""But this goes in there too!"
"DO NOT LEAVE this room JULZ or you will be reading a book you find in that room too!"

On and on.

I was getting super dooper proud of myself as I watched the clutter bow to either the trash can or my hand.  "Yes!  BAM!  That TOO!  Oh Baldy is gonna LOOOOOOVE me tonight!"

When what do ya know.  I go to stick a can of root beer on the top shelf of the fridge.
I knew it wasn't a solid placement, but let's get real, I was moving LIGHTNIN' SPEED and nothing was gonna stop me.

Next thing ya know, all of my limbs are flailing.
Root beer was literally spraying not only my face, but EVERYthing within 10 feet.

Here goes, the title.

Ramps.

30 seconds crept up on me.
"DAD GUM IT JULZ!!!!  IF, BIG FAT IF,  you would have taken the time to DO THAT WELL this wouldn't have happened!  You're always in such a freaking hurry!!!! You cause more messes that you can ever manage.  IF the fridge were clean or organized you would have HAD a PLACE to put that!  Sheesh.  You're such a mess!!!! NOW you have a REAL mess.  You know in a year, you will STILL be finding splatters from THIS ONE, RIGHT?  And you know it will be JUST when the most snooty OCD person you know comes over."

Ok.  Laugh away.  But stop and think.
Does that happen to you?!?
Can you be feeling pretty peaceful, semi-on-top of things one minute and suddenly an unexpected situation NAILS ya?!
Maybe it's just me, but what happened next was a perfect example of RAMPS.

See.
3 1/2 years ago, my daddy passed away from this earth.
The first month was absolute and complete shock and survival.
But what happened next will forever change my perspective.

I settled deeeeeeeeeep into depression.
That is an entire entry of it's own, but RAMPS definitely are a FRUIT of that season.

It was a looooong dark year. (Probably closer to 2)
But one day the Lord laid on my heart this concept of RAMPS.

"Julz, you have a choice.  You can keep winding down this path or you can trust that I WILL do the hard work....if only you'll choose to jump on a new ramp once in awhile."

I began practicing what He was whispering to me.
This was how practical it was.

Julz, this is what you've been doing:
1.  Unexpected (or occasionally expected) situation happens.
     Folks, I'm talking someone didn't call when they said they would, I broke something, I forgot an    
       appointment, child had a melt-down, Baldy would give me a 'look'.
2.  Everyone, ESPECIALLY ME, reacts their typical way.
3.  You JUMP on a DOWNWARD spiraling RAMP and without an intervention it would be DAYS
       before you would even HEAR MY VOICE again....and let's face it, a mass of people were left
       wounded from your verbal destruction.

THIS was the strategy the Lord was now giving me:
1.  #*&* is GONNA happen.  Face it and don't be thrown off.
2.  MINIMIZE YOUR REACTION.  (Yeah, I still throw out a bomb or let a hurtful phrase slip
     occasionally) but MINIMIZE it.
3.  SEARCH with ALL YOUR MIGHT for the LEMONADE IN THIS LEMON!
4.  When you find it laugh your butt off (even when u aren't so much feeling it b/c laughter
     simply changes things!) and then.....
5.  CHOOSE to JUMP on the RAMP of positive thinking......BEFORE YOU ARE FEELING IT!
6.  Trust ME and LISTEN until your raging emotions begin to catch up.

So there you have it.
I'm a year into RAMP practice.
Fail every cotton picking day.  (Ask Baldy or one of my 4 ;)
But, I honestly wake up and go to bed KNOWING that with MY cooperation HE will DO what I cannot.

Oh and just to make you laugh.
After the root beer catastrophe, I decided to sit on the back deck and read for a minute (my FAV thing!)

I looked out over my backyard smiling and immediately another ramp opportunity presented itself.
Friends, it looked like SANFORD AND SONS!!!!
We host way too many gatherings and the kids are in charge of 'outdoor recovery' which also means, the job is always half @#@/way done.

I snapped this pic to give you yet another RAMP example.
THIS was gathered from MY backyard.

*This 'EYE SPY" is what I CHOSE to see and the RAMP I CHOOSE to jump on... semi left to right.
- 1st...the shoes our MParty came to us wearing.
-my fav striped gloves that can be used on phone!
-my daughters fascination with my thrill for mixmatched craziness socks
-'stray cat' food scoopers bc my kiddos heart for the lonely is even bigger than mine!
-evidence of old trampoline and blessing of new one!
-thin mints....need i say more?!  blessing no matter what!!!
-nasty cigar & lighter plate, evidence of an amazing men's meeting on back deck
-2 bags full of Poo =evidence of boys semi DOING chore.  I mean really boys?!  You did the job, how hard was it to hit the can with it?!  Whatev!
-forever duct tape weapons.....omgosh i love boys
-kitchen supplies that forever go MISSIng but = someone had FUN!
Yeah, and lots o trash from house church kiddos that obviously got lost and carried away with fun!

Pay attention to how many opportunities YOU have today to CHOOSE a positive/negative RAMP.

Have a funny one lately?!?!?!
Please, oh PLEASE make me laugh and feel semi normal?!

Own it

Tip toe.  Tip toe.  Tip toe.

I've never been one to tip toe.  Ask anyone who knows me.  No.  My norm is full force, fairly scattered and then an honest, innocent, "Oh my!  Maybe I shouldn't have said that?", quickly follows.

Today is a new day.  I'm owning who He made me to be.

Facts.
I can't sing.  I'm very unorganized.  I laugh like a HYENA.  I tend to talk way too much (no shocker ;).  I want to hug and touch more than I'm learning the rest of the world wants to.  I doodle on evOreething.  I paint.  Putting me with chips/salsa/margaritas/girlfriends ='s howling belly laughter and all sense of time is lost.  My children are true rockstars.  Baldy is my forever soulmate.  God saves me from myself 423 x's a day at the very least......and I love to write.

There I said it.
I really, really do.

Sometimes, when I'm driving, trying to go to sleep, or drying my hair my brain looks like a matrix.
Thoughts, words, paragraphs, ideas.....they are all in bubbles floating around and I'm CAPTIVATED by the idea of harnessing them and putting them in the most simple yet deep form.
Weird eh?  It gets weirder.
Ruh-roh.
Often, I will see something happen and rather than just observing, I will literally be seeing my fingers typing the words to what I am seeing.  Told u.  Weird-o-rama.

Yet, TODAY,  I am owning that this is not JUST because "I'm weird", but because He made me this way for a reason.

So.  God bless you.  Game on.
I will blast my music, put my hair in a tight bun (not sure why, but loose hair causes my creativity to freeze ha!),
and
I.  Will.  Write.

Before I begin blurting (I mean blogging.),  I want to share 2 things that I am so incredibly grateful for.  (This ended in a preposition, I realize, but I do this often by choice, ha!)

1.  I have spent MONTHS trying to figure out how to protect the lives and stories of MY FAMILY in efforts to keep them THEIRS TO SHARE.  I'm still not entirely sure how this will play out b/c let's face it....they are my best and almost only material ;), but that is MY DESIRE.  For now, they will have nicknames AND I will not be posting PICS of them.

2.  I adore reading a blogger named Rachel Held-Evans.  Every, and I mean EV-O-REE time I read her
disclaimer above the comments section, I howl and say, "YES AND AMEN SISTA!!!"

It goes like this,
"Comment Policy:  Please stay positive with your comments.  If your comment is rude, it gets deleted.  If it is critical, please make it constructive.  If you are constantly negative or a general ass, troll, or hater, you will get banned.  The definition of terms is left solely up to us."

Ummm.  Rachel, thank YOU.
See, I am an over the top mercy junkie.   So for the life of me, I couldn't come up with those words!  I read them, know her heart and said, "Yep, that's it."

I want you to consider one thing, not just when you read my blog, but others as well.
It's likely that we have each been on a long journey.  One that has led us to accept that it's worth inviting others into our messy, hilarious and occasionally inspirational living rooms.

One where we (maybe just me ;) found ourselves royally snotting up a bald man's shoulder saying, "Why would they say such a thing?!  That's not at all what I was trying to say or imply!"
And Baldy would reply one of 2 things over and over.
"They're an idiot."  (Yeah, he's type A, black and white....sorry if you're gray)
or....
"WHY oh WHY do you put yourself out there?!!?!"

That journey has been long, hard, full of THRILLS and TEARS as I open my inbox and connect with someone's heart in a way that life would never allow face-to-face.

Please, just KNOW.
I'm owning it.
My thoughts are NOT the Bible.
My thoughts are NOT SCIENTIFIC PROOF.
My thoughts are simply where I am now and I believe they have something to offer.

My goal is always to point to my Savior Jesus Christ, provide encouragement, and to provoke thought.

Enough disclaimer.
Tonight the children brainstorm their own nicknames.

Excited to harness the next brainstorm of bubbles and thoughts and share them with you as He leads.

xoxo
julz