Ever found yourself searching for words to intimately and accurately describe something?
Yet, over and over you come up short? I mean.
Sure. You could throw out
some quick words, but THIS feeling. It's just SO deep that u refuse to do
IT injustice by casually throwing out the first thing that comes to mind?
That's been me lately. A longing for understanding. It’s been so very close and yet the WORDS
to DESCRIBE this GUTTERAL NEED seemed so distant simultaneously.
I had no idea how God was planning to give me those words.
I should have known they would come through a relational experience. (Slow like that ;)
Few weeks ago, we agreed to keep 2 kiddos that are in the foster care
system. We've kept them before and ADORE them so it was a no-brainer!
My bios began counting down the days. Like ANNOYING counting down the days. 5 TIMES a day counting the days. AS IF
it’s changed when you haven’t gone to bed for Pete’s sake?!?! I mean!
Finally. The day came & EVERYONE loaded up in the truck and went
to gather our babies!
1st day with the kiddos everything seemed to go like clock-work.
"Oh Yeah. We. SO. Got. This."
Feeding tube. No prob.
Add 2 more to 4? Why not?!
Keep up with our hilarious schedule? Got this.
What’s a couple more carseats?
Right?!
Yeah.
And then IT happened.
I imagine that other 'respite care" providers may understand this line
of thinking? (Fyi- 'Respite' =’s approved babysitters for the official
foster care provider.) As respite care, you desperately want to keep the kiddos as stable/ 'sensed
love and safety'/routine as possible. But, THIS is OH so crazy tough for ME because... honestly?? I just wanna bring them into the already ridiculous 'family bed' that
begins accumulating humans around 2 am every night, then feed them chocolate all dang
day, and simultaneously smother them with attention and kisses that aren't realistic in the day
to day healthy(schmelthy;) caregiver grind.
So. The youngest's crib was
set up on the opposite side of our bedroom.
Close.
But, not too close.
Perfect.
Went to sleep with the same prideful (ugh) attitude….we so got
this.
Enter God’s answer to
give me ‘words’ to this feeling I hadn't been able to describe...
I was startled awake.
Gagging. Choking.
“Oh NO! Too big a feed (feeding tube) too close to bedtime. I think?”
I grabbed my glasses
and stumbled over to the playpen.
Pats. Whispers. Hoping and praying that was enough.
20 minutes later, which
seems like 4 hours when you have been sleeping through the night for 5 years
now.
Whew.
I crawled back in bed.
10 minutes later.
Gag. Choke. Sobs.
“Oh baby. I’m here little buddy. You're ok.”
This pattern repeated
for over an hour.
Finally, I shook Baldy
awake. “Trade sides with me
babe. It’s gonna be a long night.”
I drug the crib across
the room right up next to my new side of the bed.
Littlest one was very
unsure of what was going on, but finally settled again.
And that’s when IT
happened.
The words.
The words and
understanding to that feeling that I’ve been having so deeply lately.
Gag. Choke. Sobs.
Only this time
because the playpen was
literally touching my side of the bed
our eyes met as we both peeked over the
edge.
It startled us
both.
“Oh wow! You’re RIGHT THERE!”, raced through
both our brains I’m certain.
He even giggled. And then looking at me sideways with
his good eye, smiled FULL blown and said, “Hi!”
Muffled snort.
“Well, hey there
buddy”.
I patted. I whisper sang. And he calmed.
Immediately.
I laid on my pillow
overwhelmed with emotion and thought.
“That's it Lord!
How often do I looooooong to just
KNOW
that
You ARE NEAR.
Beyond what my mind
knows….
to deeply SENSE YOUR PRESENCE?”
Not 5 minutes passed,
and the sobs began again.
Only this time...
I saw THE cutest,
tiniest little hand stick up over the side of the playpen.
I reached out and
offered my hand.
He grabbed hold. For dear life, he grabbed hold.
And we both went to
sleep with those exhausted deep cleansing sighs.
You know, the ones that
happen when you really BELIEVE the storm has passed.
And more importantly,
you finally accept….
You are NOT alone.
Oh Jesus. Thank You.
I’m certain that I will
expire my days accepting this Truth about You over and over again on new levels.
Friends. Whether we accept it or not.
WE are NOT alone.
Jesus.
Immanuel.
God WITH us.
