I have genuinely loved God the best I knew how for 14 years.

Believed the Bible. Believed in Him.

Loved what I read in the Gospels about the way that He lived.....serving, being humble, full of truth, miracles, signs and wonders, entire dependence on what He saw his Father doing.

Loved, loved loved him and all that I knew of Him.

So much that I went out to live my life for Him.

I felt such a spark of PURPOSE rise up in me one day. I drove a van over the security grates of a subsidized housing project. It was like I was looking around for an answer. “What's happening to me?! What is THIS inside of me?” I was ruined. Me and a rag tag gang just kept going back. Loving on kiddos, popsicles, games and short times of teaching. Love, that was the name of our game. It grew like wild fire. Of course. There were soooo many hungry to be called by name, given attention and just loved on. No prob!

We went through many years with these kiddos. I look back now and I'm like, “HOW?! Did we do that? All 3 of my kids were under 10 and we just kept going back and adding kiddos. Bringing them into the fam and loving the snot out of them.

But guess what? Over the years, I honestly began to fade. Gotta keep it real right? I began to crumble. Because no matter how much 'good' we were doing, and even though this is such a part of what I was MADE to do....I was losing my TIME WITH HIM. Having my spirit FILLED by HIM. My schedule got BANANAS. I CAN'T even explain. It was non stop. The needs were so overwhelming. I was so unorganized. I couldnt' seem to figure out how to connect the riches of south Tulsa with the needs of north Tulsa and the frustration in my heart over this overwhelmeed me. Of course, without my time with HIM, being filled up, it all became very out of 'me'...my humanness. Then my daddy unexpectedly passed away at a very young age and I had to turn away. Not from the kids we were the closest to, but from the overall mission and hopes of MANY. It discouraged me more than I can explain.

Over the past 5 years since dad passed, I have been in many peaks and valleys. I've sensed His presence. I've sensed him calling me back. But for a multitude of reasons I was allowing many things to keep me numb without even realizing the price.

Awhile back, I was in worship and I just remember crying out to him.

“I'm soooooo sick of this. I WANT YOU. I want my life to BE FOR YOU.

I JUST HATE AND SUCK AT RULES.

And I can't keep up with RULES AND BEHAVIOR AND BLAH BLAH BLAH.

AND SERIOUSLY IF YOU DONT HELP ME DO ALL THIS BETTER I'M SCARED ALL MY LIFE I'M JUST GONNA FEEL LIKE, 'SORRY GOD, COULDNT HELP YA OUT MORE....I HAD TOO MANY ISSUES WITH MY BEHAVIOR. CAN YOU HELP ME HERE????”

For real. Theres tons of background story there, as if u didn't guess, but basically I was trying tryinG trying to surrender to Him from a HEAD PLACE.

WORTH REPEATING.

I WAS TRYING TO SURRENDER TO GOD FROM A HEAD PLACE.

And

it JUST wasn't working.

So I prayed that day and many after. “Can't do this. I've found myself stuck in a bunch of crap again and I can't find my way out. If this junk is what keeps me from getting to sense you, I'm screwed. Becasuse I can't get myself out and i'm trying!!!!”

2 more weeks of just doing so, so with everything. Struggled with my stuff more, cried out to God more. Grew more frustrated, more impatient with everyone around me, was basically just a lovely peach of a chick to be around. Ya know, wears the shirt that proves she's in the 'Jesus Club' but where's the fruit??

Yea. Not winning.

________________________________________________________________________________

(Shared most of this in a FB post so if you read it, you can read again or skip to next lined section :)

2 weeks ago I got a text. It was one that many of us had prayed and prayed we would never get.

It came.

My friend battling severe depression and mental illness had commited suicide.

I texted back

“Oh my God!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!”

I rushed to her apartment and gathered friends in my arms. We just sat there numb. Occasionally God would give one of us a word to encourage each other, but mostly we just sat there in the parking lot next to her car and cried and prayed silently in our hearts to God. We gathered after they had taken her body and declared that the enemy may have one the temporary battle, but he did NOT win the eternal battle. Our friend we were certain was WITH the Lord. Oh how she loved him. It's ok if you can't understand that. So much I don't understand either, but I can honestly tell you my friend did not WANT to die....she wanted her constant pain to stop. That doesn't make it right, but it is something that I know to be true of her.

I had tried to be brave for 2 days. Doing life, keeping up with my schedule and falling apart in the closet when time allowed. It so wasn't working. I was wounding so many precious people that I adore simply because I was aching inside.

I fled town. Like literally. I left a lunch meeting and just turned my car towards the lakehouse rather than home. No bag, no food, no kid coverage....which THANK YOU MOMMA AND BALDY...of course was covered.

48 hours. No time really at all in the span of how quickly life passes in our regular days.

But, when you decide to just quit TALKING to humans and entirely focus on God's voice.

48 hours, I have learned is like a boot camp that we all so need.

I'm writing about many of the ways that He met me, but the finale is the one that I hope to share now.

During those 48 hours, I ping ponged between hard labor outdoors and laying prostrate before God. I honestly can't even tell you how many times I switched between the two, but it was perfect. I found myself literally chopping, loading and tractoring off 4 trees all while sobbing, screaming, throwing, and snotting in the grass through my tear stained face covered in a layer of dirt. And then the next minute, i was laying face flat under a cool fan. Silenced and still before the Lord.

Then mowing acres, fixing belts and air conditioners. And then prostrate again.

This. Repeated itself over and over and over.

I honestly can't explain how gracious He was to give me this exact opportunity.

It was a perfect combination.

The last night I had picked up after myself, turned out the lights and was headed to bed. Oh so ready to see my fam again in the morn. I was in the master bathroom brushing my teeth when I glanced in the mirror and saw the grand bathtub behind me that my daddy had built. Huge, amazing stone work surrounding, and even jacuzzi jets.

For whatever reasons, many that need reexamining, I'm not one to ever 'spoil' myself. It caught my eye. Maybe I should? (Our only bathtub at home is OOOOLLLLDDD, Marty's, and totally needs resurfacing. Not super inviting ya know?) So it's been years since I just literally soaked.

The silly but real thoughts that were whispering were, "Oh just crash and be strong and refreshed for your kiddos in the morn that have sacrificed all week for you."

But I just kept looking. My head tilted. "I think I will?"

(I know this sounds silly to some daily bathers, but just get that this luxury doesn't exist in my current abode?) I turned the knobs and felt a little like, "OH YEAH....."

Went back to brushing teeth and staring in mirror. And THEN I spotted them. The candles that my beautiful niece had left around the tub on the 4th. Hmmmmm? Yes?

Why, o why?, would I feel I don't deserve a moment like this?

Beats me, but I'm working on it ;) Maybe cause my life is always too fast? Working on that too.

I said. "Umm . Yes."

I lit the candles and turned the lights out.

I can't describe what happened to my SPIRIT in this moment. It was like the Lord was applauding me for work well done. Does that make sense? I'm asking myself.

The best words I can give it is this, "You're FACING it little one."

I've come to think America doesn't do this process very well. So many other cultures face it straight in the face and just wail. Call it for what it is. PAIN. And then ALLOW a time to grieve.

The Lord whispered to me, "Well done little one. I have something else for you."

I dropped the bubbles in. Heck yeah.

And continued my silence.

Tears began to trickle.

Dang.

I thought I was maybe finished with tears for a bit?

Crying has been an issue my whole life.

I DONT.

Obviously, he is healing this.

And then they poured.

Heaving.

Sobbing.

More aching.

Wishing for a very different ending and simoultaneously accepting what was.

Forgiving my friend.

Forgiving myself.

Just so many

tears. It was then.

That He gave me a gift that for the rest of my life

words will not do justice.

I suddenly had a revelation that my bath was LITERALLY FILLED with tears.

And in that moment, He whispered to me.

I see you.

I see your hurt.

I see your heart.

I am here.

You are lovely.

It was an hour that transformed my entire being and understanding of His nearness.

An hour that no human will ever be able to steal.

The next night the Lord gave me a dream. In the dream, He showed me that my friend's life was going to inspire me to be brave in new areas where I felt defeated. When I woke up I had the recollection that I was kinda like Braveheart, ha, and shouting.......'FOR RENA!!!!'

I just laid there and recollected details. I whispered to God. That would really be great Lord. I want to trust where ever you Lead me and I havent been.

At house church someone prayed the verse, unless a seed falls to the ground and dies new life cannot come forth.

Of course, God never wanted or planned this. NEVER. This was not the plan. But my God always USES choices to bring life. That I wholeheartedly believe. So I whispered to him again, “Yes, I want that Lord. I want to conquer fears that have held me down for far too long. Help me?”

__________________________________________________________________________________

A few weeks ago I was blessed that someone bought a ticket for me to a conference. There was one speaker that I've ALWAYS wanted to hear in person, but guys.....it was a

c.o.n.f.e.r.e.n.c.e

Why say it like that? Because that's how I F.E.L.T. Blah. I'm not a big conference/ladies retreat chick for a variety of issues, ha.....mostly probably entirely mine....but just being real.

But I went.

Day one....First thing....worship.

I was like, Ok. I can do that. I found a private spot. Like I said, I have issues. No need to point them out? Ha! In worship I struggle being crowded in pews. Probably my ADD and own performance issues. No. Definitely those. But I found a spot.

So I'm there and you guys. I feel this woo'ing. It wasn't my body. It was entirely in my heart. Like it was throbbing. I just kept worshipping going, “Ok um? This is good? Yes? This is You? Yes?' And I just kept worshipping.

I started moving side to side. I always kinda bop around a little. Not too much, but just enough to jam to the rhythm and occasionally wave an arm ;). K- I'm crying typing this. It was like I was dancing with Him. For reals. K? It was great. I was so enjoying this. I've had this before, but not enough. Next thing I knew over an hour had passed and we were being called back to our seats. Whoosh. Ok? Yes.

c.o.n.f.e.r.e.n.c.e? conference

I sat down and got my journal out. The man that was speaking did an excellent job. Really it was a good word. Thoroughly enjoyed it. Then afterwards they said they were going to pray for people. They asked for the 'evangelists' to come forward for prayer. Everything in me just JUMPED. It was kinda like my brain was chasing my legs? 'Ahhh! Where we going?' I rushed up there and cracked up b/c without even realizing it, I had stood in front of a lady that Ive always had the feeling doesn't care for me much. No, maybe at all? I gave up struggling for this relationship a year ago. You know when you can just tell you bug someone? Ok so that. In my heart I was kinda like, “Dang...hope I dont' get tripped up with this issue' Before she could even begin praying the speaker goes, “Anyone else? And I don't mean, 'you WANT to be an evangelist' I mean it's been identified and called out in you.”

*Well Grand. JACKED THAT UP. Whatever I'm HERE and READY.

She was gracious and began to pray. I think the attitude I always sense with her is like, “Julz is a mess? She's been struggling this path so long.” Maybe I feel I've exhausted her grace? Whatev.

So she starts praying. She keeps praying over and over

“Fire. Fire. Fire. Fire.”

Honestly it was perfect. Not a lot of human words to get tripped up on and every time she said it I felt sincerely felt power coming upon me. Really.

Then a man came up to pray for me next and I can honestly say I have NO CLUE what he said! Ha! I can only remember how my spirit was responding to his prayer. I do know that he was talking, but I didn't hear it. Weird? Yeah, I so know. But it's my truth. :) This is what my SPIRIT was saying....”He is safe. He is a safe man. There are safe men. There are good men. You can trust. Relax. Relax. Receive.” Yeah, I'd love to know if anything he was saying said anything about that, or my past issues, but still to this day all I can recollect is that THAT is EXACTLY what my spirit was saying inside of me. It was so good and led me to truly relax. I was soooo relaxed. I felt so safe. I could receive.

The next person came up to pray for me (using no verbal words..just touching me and praying)and it was like a rush of water just poured....no GUSHED on my head....like a massive bucket of LOVE being dumped on my head!....(way better than ice bucket challenge ;) This water INSTANTLY BROUGHT REFRESHMENT. IT WAS LIKE OOOOOOOOH YEAHHHHHHH!

My spirit said, “I'M ALIVE! THANK GOD I'M ALIVE AGAIN! I WANT TO LIVE FULLY ALIVE!!!!”

You guys. Tears were so pouring out of me and I was just laughing. I kept saying, I THINK outloud? “I almost didn't make it! I almost didn't make it! I was so, so tired! Thank you! I almost didn't make it!” That may seem crazy talk, but honestly I was sick and tired of feeling so dry and exhausted. I needed MORE.

Prayer time ends. Couldnt go to second session. Came back for that night and it was good, but definitely didn't match what had happened during worship and prayer. It was still great and built me up though.

Then night 2- I was going to get to hear this lady that I have so much respect for. Heidi Baker. Her story and life -just yes. SO good. I'll include a couple links if you want to know more about her. If you can get your hands on the movie of her life....just DO. It's called Compelled by Love. Cuhrazy. Good. Entirely the HOPE of this post!!!

But, this is what happened that night. I wasn't 'star struck'.   I was STRUCK by this woman's humility and LOOOOOOOOOVE for being intimate with Him. There was a super whackadoodle offering that went on right before she had taken the stage and it about did me in. Being real.... I'm not big on giving under compulsion and I was kinda like, ugh, but chose to not throw baby out with bathwater. Just hang julz! She took the stage and just stood there for a minute. She was like, “Ok, lets just pray.” She drops to her knees. Not even praying just worshipping Him. For sooooo long. My spirit understood that she was doing all she knew to do to get all focus and attention off of weird offering moment (her organization didn't do the offering) and all attention of off HER as a 'star' and entirely back where it belonged ON THE LOVER OF HER SOUL. One that she obviously has great adoration for and knows intimately.

We all joined her and He was sooooo lifted back to his RIGHT place. She began to share and told story after story of his faithfulness. Stories that not a soul could find any explanation for other than GOD! I was like a kid on the edge of my seat. YES!!!! At every twist and turn she pointed to HIM. How ridiculous HER skills were for pulling anything off. Over and over she said, they were just 'small people in the dirt' (In Africa) and God continues to do one miracle after another through her and her gang. I was so encouraged....to the point of wanting to jump up shouting, YES THIS IS THE FULLY ALIVE LIFE I DESIRE! Not, HER story, but THIS THREAD of Jesus and I intimately knowing each other on such a level that He is free to lead me, giving me direction and MOVING in ways that ONLY He can. Pulling off amazing blessings and miracles to all I encounter that I COULD NEVER orchestrate.

I went forward for prayer. No, I ran. At this point, I wish I could share all that He downloaded to me....but honestly, it's still so raw and personal I'm gonna keep it to myself for processing for a bit.

How did I leave?

With my prayer from weeks earlier, MORE THAN ANSWERED.

As usual, in ways that I've learned I don't even know HOW to articulate He satisfies what I'm needing.

And then whoosh, HE FLOODS, FILLS AND OVERFLOWS.

Just Ahhhhhh.

THIS. THIS. THIS.

I believe with my entire heart is what He is doing all over the earth.

2 things that I can see clearly.....

1- CALLING THE CHURCH TO WAKE UP! Not in a judgmental way at all. NO! But in a RETURN TO YOUR FIRST LOVE way. Where we gaze so deeply at our Savior, that somehow holds the universe and meets ME on my pillow and throughout each day. Where we are filled up in ways that NO human could or should be able to meet and satisfy.

2- Through love and grace wooing those 'sick and tired' of being 'sick and tired' to His heart. Answering their cries and prayers when they don't even know WHO they are praying to. Oh how I hope they are divinely met by a church that sees their HEARTS and SOULS. I have NO DOUBT in my mind that He is calling up THIS wounded army to bring a revolution TO the church. Enough hierarchy, enough self righteousness, enough country club where clothes and behaviors have to MATCH or sorry you're not welcome! NO!

YES Lord, divinely pair the wounded with wounded healers that know YOU're NAME!

Not sure where you fit in there. Maybe neither, that's cool. But oh how thankful I am to be OVERFLOWING with His PRESENCE!!! HE is the MOST compassionate, kind, loving one you will ever meet. Intimacy with Him is the KEY to not burning out while 'trying' to 'do good'.

A romance with Him will sweep you off of your feet in each and every way.

Of that, I can PROMISE you.

Xoxoxo

julz

Total loss?

Gut punch.

WTH?

SUDDENLY
You're caught off guard.
Scrambling for sure footing.

You know.
When something from
out of nowhere?
just NAILS you.

I'm not sure exactly when it happened, but in the past year
midtown Tulsa was hit by a 'microburst' windstorm.
Trees everywhere were thrust UP and OUT in a matter of 10 minutes.

When my fam could semi-safely navigate the roads we got out and drove slowly.

*gasps*

I was snapping shots left and right because it was just so UNBELIEVABLE.
Oak trunks 4 ft+ in diameter were literally uprooted and laying flat.
The unbelievable was that...
This IS the beauty of living in midtown....our trees are beautifully mature and rooted.
But this day....even THESE symbols of STRENGTH were shaken.

One was down the street from me.

It didn't have the fortune of landing on grass.
No.  It landed on it's humble home of 50+ years.

It appeared to every human eye and gawker....devastation.
"Dang.  It's totaled.  Gonna be scraped.  Yet, another empty lot in our hood that doesn't attract new home builders."

But within the week, I saw something unique and interesting happen.

Tarps.

Yes, massive tarps seemed to be bungee corded ALL over this house.
Covering it's ENTIRETY...
to keep further damage OUT.

Looking back, I can see that it may have simply been to STOP FURTHER DAMAGE....
while  REGROUPING took place.

See...for the next few months, the house sat vacant.
But, tarps protected further damage.

And here's the good news.
and.
the reason for THIS  post.

YESTERDAY!!!!!!
almost a year later.

I drove by and noticed a crew installing the beautiful 'FINAL touches'.

You know, after MONTHS of crews working on inner and foundational issues,
it was finally time for-

new shutters and polished new windows.

I could so go on, as I have had the blessing of watching the daily process.

So, why did this grab my EYE and HEART yesterday?

Oh friends!  It's because it symbolizes YOU and ME!

How often does life throw us a blasted CURVE BALL?
One that completely catches us OFF GUARD?

Please, hear the gut of my heart now.

When my daddy suddenly passed in 2009....
it was as though a sudden microburst RIPPED through MY HEART and LIFE.

My daily temptation was to declare "total loss".
Here.  RIGHT here.
I can remember HOURS that accumulated....slumped in my red chair and flooded with tears.
The question...
 WHY? and WHAT NOW?

But God.
That phrase honestly used to tick me off in religious circles like no other.
But,  I'm finally seeing the beauty beyond human phrases
and more into the nature of MY GOD.

Of course.  He had other plans.
Plans to USE the devastiaton that He did NOT orchestrate.


Polished windows and new shutters to boot.
Even some foundational work that was long overdue.

Be encouraged my dear friend.
Wherever you are in the process of shock, grief, loss.

HIS business IS restoration.

And I'm so here to testify.
Grief is a brutal, challenging and necessary season.
It sucks.  Plain sucks.

But oh my gosh......it's fruit?
Somehow he strengthen us, if we allow Him to.
Last night I laid in bed rediscovering something that Im certain I will die rediscovering.

"I'm powerless. But, open to You.....something beautiful always takes place."

A restoration that I've found  EXCEEDS what was once
before.

It's ridiculously tough, but we are asked to let go of the questions (so so so hard), trust, and grow.

Hugs and prayers to you my friend.
It sure isn't easy.

But, I just had to share....
Because GENUINE HOPE does WONDERS for our spirit.
xo.

I'm confident of this.....HE will comfort others THROUGH you in the same way He has comforted you.